Wow. This is my first blog entry in more than a year. And I originally wrote this on paper because my laptop was dead and the charger was nowhere to be found. I lose, misplace and find things on a daily basis, part of who I am. The room’s dimly lit everyone else in my vicinity quietly asleep. The dog’s had a rough day with his bowel movement gone bad and it snuggled up in one corner of the bed refuses to acknowledge my untimely presence in this room that I rarely venture into – No movement there. The TV’s on – A rather glamorous looking stewardess is pouring a not so glamorous looking pilot a drink . They seem to be in the middle of a tiff , oh they’re always fighting on TV . May be they’ll hook up later , well they’re always hooking up on TV .But I’m not going to stay to see how that story unfolds . My thought flow seems to be blocked when there’s absolute silence. TV is just a way to drown out that feeling of impending doom that absolute silence represents.
Now it doesn’t seem like yesterday when I try to think about same time of the last year, similar in respect to my indoor confinement on account of having stitches on my scalp concurred in an accident of drunken stupor last year and this year on account of having half of my lung extracted for the removal of a rather scandalous tumor growing in my vital breathing organs. Big difference when compared in terms of the gravity of both situations , but none in terms of how it affected the way my brain was working – compelled to slow down , compelled to breathe slowly , compelled to take a step back and dig into my heels . And as is human nature when we don’t have much to look forward to, we tend to turn around and look at what’s gone by and I am no exception to the rule.
A lot has transpired over the last year –it started out with an internship in a city more tranquil and beautiful than the ones I’d been in before and through phases of prolonged aimless reading , contemplating , technical trainings , java projects , presentations , reports , fun , loving , dull grades , graduation , more technical trainings , presentations, reports ,worse grades , more fun and loving , it has ended rather tragically with my breathing capabilities reduced to a little less than three fifths of a normal person’s and a permanent scar across my back –constant reminder of my body being a war zone –slashed , peeled and sliced like a fruit ,much like those kitchen carnage games popular with smart phone users .
It was time to rearrange everything I thought was real. I was looking for someone to take the blame, seeking desperately a response to “Why Me” every time they pierced a needle through the most vulnerable of veins, every time they lulled my senses creating a sense of helplessness. I was fighting that horrible feeling that life will never be the same again – true you couldn’t tell the difference between me and another perfectly healthy person sitting next to you right now or yourself , but carrying that void inside of me is much more than just reduced lung capacity. It was as if my life wasn’t mine to call any more. Every step that I take from here on – food that I eat , steps that I climb , hours that I work , places that I go , even the job that I must choose will be carefully guided by the fear of another strike of fate .I was living in the constant shadow of fear - The fear of ill health , needles , pain ,fear of the whole act of being under those bright lights revolving over your head like a thousand beaming moons , hands strapped on to the sides of a crucifix shaped bed , constant beeps from the instruments sound like screaming vultures fighting for the last morsel of the prey–every heartbeat and move carefully monitored , its unbearably cold but you don’t shiver , your visions blurred and your mouth is dry ,your body’s numb and all those needles suddenly become painfully bearable ,a sense of sickening comfort rushes through your veins and onto your head , through constant loud directions to keep breathing after a while you’ll just stop caring if you are or not , your senses undulated , all control surrendered , you’re under a spell unsure of how long its going to last .
I wasn’t in charge anymore.
But that’s the thing with life , just when you begin to believe that things are perfectly in control , just when you begin to believe that you need no one but yourself to perpetuate this sense of eternal bliss , just when you start realizing the insignificance of things tangible and the significance of the greater self , it strikes you unannounced - sometimes with tumors , sometimes with a heartbreak .But strike it must and when it does you will not always have your mother cradling you in her arms and telling you " Hey baby , it’s all a dream . Just a bad dream " because it’s not a dream it’s reality, the stark truth. And while you’ll be dwelling in oblivion thinking that you have seen and planned your birth, your life, your death, everything in between- friends, lovers and the rest, the fatal blow will be delivered and you will find yourself falling from the highest cliff unable to resist gravity .You will land on the ground with the loudest thud, back to permanent life where the concept of eternal happiness does not exist. How and when life plays its little tease game is beyond our control but what is under our control is what we make of times like these. It takes a good crisis to get us going. Fear can be paralyzing or motivating. It can drive us to achieve things extraordinary or nothing at all. And if it is true what they say about fear –THIS COULD BE MY FINEST HOUR OR THE WORST OF THEM ALL.
I am back in charge.
